I AM NO BEAR BUT RARRR MAN, RARRR

gah

I can’t believe people still look at this blog. I should probably delete it, eh?

If you are someone, follow this instead. This blog is dead and all entries should be regarded as fiction.

Goodbye Borgabear!

I was caught dead in the middle. While thinking about deleting all the entries that had been about you. (I feel it is neccesary to do all this before I finally move on. I need to get you out of my system!)

;I realized something, deleting all those entries would mean deleting more than half the amount of this blog. It makes me sad. This blog is so full of hate and sadness, because of you. It is also full of happiness, because of you. But either way, I don’t want to live this lie anymore.. This lie that I had created more than you could’ve imagined. so I am saying goodbye, definitely.

No one really knows this blog.

& I intend to keep it that way.

Its secrecy is what makes this blog so powerful. The same way words that are never spoken, mean so much when they are.

Don’t make me move!

from ashes to ashes.

My biological clock is fucked.

It’s been fucked for days, since the semestral break had started.

So yesterday I had made the effort to finally fix my sleeping problem by not sleeping the entire day! It’s the one solution that always works for me, since I am not a selective sleeper.

6pm, just when I was about to doze off, Carlo and Aidz come knocking on our gate, screaming out my name. It was weird seeing the two of them together, talking again. There had been a 2-month long cold war going on in the dormitory and it was starting to get on everyone’s nerves, including mine. It was nice seeing the two of them happy, so despite the total WTF-ness of the situation, I decided to tag along on their little WTF-adventure, considering that Carlo buy me a pack of cigs for the ride. He did.

It had not dawned on me until we got in the car that the ashes of Carlo’s dead ex-boyfriend were going to be with us on this trip; and that the whole gist of this whole WTF-ness was going to revolve around the question inquired many countless times by my friend Carlo to me in our longtalks, Where do I dump his ashes?

I feel honored to be one of the friends Carlo has chosen to share this very emotional and special period of his life. How many people can live to tell that they helped their bestfriends scatter the ashes of their dead boyfriends? Miguel sat in a little white makeshift urn just beside the stick shift. It was weird to think that all those stories about Miguel had finally materialized itself into a little white jar just inches beyond me. It was hard not to think that Miguel was just somewhere close by.

Before deciding where to dump the ashes, we had to make one last pick-up. From Marikina all the way to the edge of the world, Paranaque. We had to pick-up Mek, finally completing our line-up.

Where do you scatter the ashes of your dead boyfriend? It is a hard question to ask, and an even harder question to answer. Where do you?

I don’t particularly remember all the details that lead to the decision, but it seemed like a good idea to scatter Miguel’s ashes someplace where it was always lively, where his spirit will be free to share the fine aroma of imported and overpriced coffee beans. We scattered his ashes behind the Starbucks lot in Tagaytay, overlooking Taal lake.

It was truly a light-hearted feeling. No tears were shed, only goodbyes. Seeing all my friends happy made me forget about my own problems, in particular. Aidz and Carlo were talking again, and it makes me proud to think that I somehow had something to do with their unexpected reunion.

I am most happy when my friends are happy, and we must enjoy every living moment we have with those who make our lives worth living. Isn’t that the lesson the dead are trying to teach us?

the worst feeling is the non-feeling kind

I am falling for a girl who I don’t have feelings for anymore.

All because you couldn’t save me.

Is that so wrong?

I still don’t know much above love. Maybe it’s because I’ve liked so many girls, but have only loved so few. And you were one of them.

I don’t know what to do with all the unsent letters, the drawings, etc. They kept me sane for awhile. I had made so many plans, but none of them seem applicable anymore. We have drifted so far apart; you say we haven’t, but I can feel it with every inch of bone on my body. When we talk, it seems like I don’t know you anymore. Do you still know me? Maybe you’ve changed, or maybe I changed. I don’t want to change, but maybe this time, it’s the best thing to do. Maybe you were right, we were never close to begin with. Maybe I had misinterpreted everything. I acted like a fool in front of everyone, in front of your friends and in front of mine. & in front of you. & maybe they were right. I should’ve seen the bigger picture, but I was way too blind.

Here’s a tip: Next time, watch your words. The last thing you’d want to do is break someone else’s heart the way you broke mine. It is not a pretty sight.

I am neither mad or depressed right now. I just feel apathetic. & it was the one feeling that I was trying to avoid all this time, but it looks like you beat me to it. Isn’t it the worst feeling in the world?

I bet you wouldn’t know.

Tara, Tagaytay tayo?!

I love my friends.

I love my friends to death!

I love my friends because they are spontaneous.

Imagine the setting: dorm, after an episode of Walt Disney’s Alice in Wonderland, I ask if anyone’s had dinner yet. Someone suggests Kowloon, someone suggests Bahay.

Tara, Tagaytay tayo!

I don’t even remember who suggested it, but it seemed like a very good idea to pass out on. So after a three-hour roadtrip, there we were in Tagaytay’s famous Mahogany market eating Bulalo! (some of us still wearing our boxers!)

In a way, we were sort of like Alice, chasing the rabbit down the rabbit hole. We had no idea where our adventure would take us. And interesting enough, the moon that night looked like a creepy Cheshire Cat smile.

I have so many stories to tell to my future kids, because of my friends! Because I have been blessed with people like these. Thank you for making my life a bit more interesting!

love>hate

I have a love-hate relationship with blogs.

But I will not give up on this one.

This blog will see better days, I promise.